Sunday, October 23, 2016

Sinking Into Motherhood

Sinking.

It sounds bad.

It sounds like giving up.

But what about sinking into bed? Sinking onto the couch? Sinking into a pile of fresh snow? Those bring about warm feelings and happy thoughts. Right?

By Thursday this week, when I snuck out of bed so as not to wake the four-year-old who had climbed in an hour earlier, all I could think about was the weekend, when I could sink into motherhood, when I could unabashedly...MOM.

Despite the fact that, on paper at least, I don't care what other people think of me, I do want people want to be around me. I'm painfully aware of not wanting to be the one who can't do anything because, "We know you have kids."  I constantly redirect the conversation: well, so and so has triathlons to train for, and the other one has like 100 weddings to go to this year, and that one has cooking lessons, and why can't we all just agree to leave campus on time regardless of whether or not we have kids?

I talk about my kids all the time. Like, all the time. But I'm hyper aware of when I'm doing it. I have this little voice that pops in my head, "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR KIDS AGAIN. STOP."

My male coworker has a daughter the same age as my daughter.  He unabashedly showcases photos of her and talks about the cute things she does, and everyone thinks it's adorable and sweet, and like the best thing ever for a dad to talk about his kids that way. I do it?  "Cute."  And the conversation moves on. Ah, I see.

Don't get me wrong, I've got some amazing coworkers who know all about our kindergarten search and when I don't sleep at night, but I have this sense that I have to constantly prove that I can still do my job even though I'm a mom.

On the weekends? On school breaks?

I mom so hard.

I play Legos. I go grocery shopping. This weekend I made cookies and I made pancakes.  I try to put my phone away and focus on my kids. I listen to the same crazy kids songs around 181 times.  And I love it.

Then Monday comes, and I feel like I'm supposed to turn that off.

I don't. I can't go twenty minutes outside of the classroom without mentioning at least one of my kids...

But I feel like I should.

So, starting tomorrow, just one more new change in me.

Bless it.

Release it.

No more guilt about being a mom.

I can't change that I'm a working mom.

I  can't change that my mind, my body, and my soul have changed in countless ways since having kids.

I suspect I'll feel a whole let better about life.

But come Friday? Oh, friend, I'm backwards on the diving board free falling into a pool of mommyhood.






12 comments:

  1. Unfortunately it's the male/female bias in who's working and who's with the kids. Bravo to you for releasing your mom guilt!

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    1. I don't think I can change the cultural norm, but I'm still going to insert my kids in conversation! :). Thanks for understanding.

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  2. Aw, you sound like an awesome mom and one who is very balanced! I don't have kids and I don't mind hearing about other people's. Sometimes it makes me a little sad because I wish we had been able to have them, but you shouldn't feel bad about talking about them. It's part of your life. The only obnoxious thing that some moms do is "mommyjacking." There are some funny memes about that online :-)

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    1. I had to look up MommyJacking, and yeah, some of those are baaaaaadddd. I try my hardest not to say, "Well...kids," as my excuse for a lot of things. I also know that I know people who hijack conversations, in general, regardless of having babies...

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  3. Great post! I am not a mom, but I hate that working mothers are scrutinized the way you've described. I love that you're letting go of the guilt that society has placed on you!

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    1. Moms, generally, are scrutinized. It's a slippery slope. Thank you - it's a constant battle, but I'm trying to escape the guilt!

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  4. Moms are expected to do certain things, but when dad's do the very same thing, it's like oh wow, that is great, awesome job dad!!!
    Shaking my head, we get no respect do we??? No respect? Great post, get it all out let it go!!! It's what we do! :)

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    1. Luckily, my husband is one of the dads who is super actively involved in both the daily household AND the child rearing. And everyone thinks it's super great (which it is...but still...). Thanks for visiting!

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  5. You brought two whole new people into this world! You are AMAZING whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom! Always remember that! I am not a mom yet, but I can imagine how pissing off it must be when people don't get how difficult and wonderful it can be to be a mom! The feeling is so special!

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    1. Ah, thank you. This morning, my 4-year-old told me that he loves me and appreciates that I take care of him - it's worth it!

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  6. My sister has many times expressed similar thoughts through the years on peoples views of working vs stay at home, it unfortunate really! She's a stay at home mom, and she gets the reverse everyone thinks she should be working in the few hours her kids are in school. But like you said, even if she was, she'd still have loads of laundry, food, cleaning and of course fitting that all in to make the kids feel good about their time with her. Every mom is special and awesome regardless if they are working or not. A mom's job is one of the most important and hardest in society that is for sure!

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    1. Yeah, it's an impossible battle, whether you are in the home or out!

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