Much to the surprise of some of my students when it came up in discussion today (OH MY GOD, IT'S ASH WEDNESDAY??? I ATE A PORK CHOP!!), Lent has, indeed, begun.
I love Lent.
I love it for the religious and spiritual meanings.
I also love it for the practical point that it offers another chance to start again. Man, I love my opportunities to start fresh.
While I feel like I am doing fairly well with my New Year's resolution to nourish myself, I know that I can deepen my understanding of what this means.
This year, I have decided to focus on saying yes...less.
First, I had to to take a moment to reflect on why I agree to so much, take on so many responsibilities, volunteer for tasks I will later regret.
I realized that my reasons fall into one of two major categories.
Call Me at Midnight
I say yes because I want to be the person people depend on. Maybe it's an only child thing. Maybe it's changing schools and moving around and swapping out best friends over the years. But I want to be the person you call. I want to be so useful that I'm the first name people think of when I they need help. I want to be included, part of an extended family...I want to be the one you call at midnight.
Give Me a Voice
I say yes because it gives me a voice. If I do all of those little things. If I turn around a project before you know it. If I put together subcommittees. If I agree to sub a day in the front office. Then I get some capital. I have shown that I care, and that care grants me a place at the table. Now I can use my voice, my knowledge, my understanding to gradually make change, to grow an organization.
Let Me Matter
In both scenarios, I want to be seen. I'm sure there are deeper emotional issues at play here, deeper than I care to explore right this second. But I can easily see that I eagerly say yes far too often and with far too much speed.
I Will Nourish
Each year, I sit and pray about, reflect on my concentration for Lent. I let go of "giving up" something tangible long ago. I needed to feel the season more. My first idea was that I need to say no more. Then I realized it's not about the active response. It's about something quieter.
Once I came to the conclusion to "Say yes less," I realized that the first reason I say yes, that need to be needed.
I have to let that one go. Not just for Lent. But for good.
The reason?
I have two tiny humans who need me more than they need anyone else on Earth. They do, in fact, call me at midnight with their crazy requests. I am the first person on their mind when they need something. And when I keep pushing myself out there as someone's go-to-girl, I take myself away from them. And I can't do that anymore.
I will do what nourishes me, what nourishes my family, not what feeds some deep-seeded emotional deficit.
In this Lenten season, I will nourish the now, rather than a broken past. And after all, isn't that what Easter teaches us?
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