I'm exhausted a lot of the time.
This exhaustion, combined with a full-time job, three kids (the toddler is 21 months old, and the idea that I have THREE humans to raise is still shocking), means that I'm not always at my best self.
I'm also an only child existing in the wild, chaotic family I only dreamed of as a child, and sometimes, the noise is...too much.
I break.
I snap.
And my children bear the consequences of my humanity.
Yes, I can work on my triggers and my reactions, but I frequently need to apologize to my kiddos, and while they deserve a parent who can maturely handle her emotions, they also deserve an apology when I am overwhelmed.
The sheer quantity of input from my kiddos can be challenging; this is especially true during stressful times. In mid-August, I'm feeling the incoming weight of a return to school (for all of us), a change in my husband's work schedule (it happens every year, but it's still a challenge), and the added weight of doing all of these things in an ongoing pandemic. When my daughter simply couldn't stop talking during a time when I desperately needed quiet, I yelled at her.
I immediately regretted this - I could have handled it differently - and so, I apologized.
"I am sorry for responding that way. You did not deserve that, and I should do better. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I reacted poorly."
We talked through what had happened, and I apologized again to wrap up the conversation.
She deserves an acknowledgment of my poor behavior - all of my children do.
My anger, my frustration, and my anxieties are not their burden to bear or work around.
I will continue to try to grow as a mature human who can respond better, but I know I'll stumble and fail. I'll never be that person who "never gets angry," but I can do better. In the mean time, I will hold myself accountable and tell my children that I've stumbled.
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