Forty Days: Lenten Renewal

I used to give up candy and then binge on bags of peanut M&Ms on Easter Sunday.

Once, I gave up gum and ended up not chewing it again for two years.

I've given up soda and dessert. As an adult, I've given up alcohol.

I have made these physical "sacrifices," but I prefer to take action, to do something rather than give up something.

Lent 2018 has snuck up on me - it begins next week, on Valentine's Day, in fact, and I needed to sit down and think about how I will honor this sacred time of year.

In our church, we often talk about working inward and working outward. I like the feel of that, and so I have two focuses, one about my mindset and one about turning outward to my community.

Honoring My Husband

Over the past half decade and change (since a certain tiny human made his appearance), I have not necessarily focused as much as I would like on my husband.  We go on date nights. We try to have time together, but, especially in the last year, I realize that a part of me has almost ignored him. 

That's not fair.

We've gotten caught up in the busy-ness of life. We talk about home repairs, about school choices, about weekend plans.  I've slowed down to work on myself, and as the fog has cleared, I can see my husband there, patiently waiting.

In January, I decided that I need to jump back into focusing on building my faith, and the first study I completed was Five Days of Praying for My Husband. 

Towards the end of the plan, I was prompted to make a list of the ten top reasons my husband blesses me.

After I wrapped the brief devotional, I browsed through the additional resources and found Thirty-One Prayers for My Husband. Once I realized that Lent starts next week, I decided that this book would focus me during this season.  I enjoyed taking a structured time to focus on my husband, and I want to build on that.

Giving with Grace

Over the span of just a few years, we needed a lot of help. We bought our house and started making it our own. We had two energetic kids, including one who still would prefer to never sleep.  We began truly building our careers. I lost my mom.

Our community gathered around us and helped.

For the first time in a long while, I feel ready to start giving back with more than a quick donation. 

And so...forty days...forty acts of service.

I am certainly open to suggestions, and I am aware of my own limits.  I want to start small, but I want to start.

For now, the ideas only involve me, but it would simple to bring my children, especially my kindergartner son, into this spirit of giving of ourselves.

I've opened this up to my small book club, and I'll share on social media. I want to hold myself accountable, get ideas for opportunities to serve, and build community in the process.

I'm ready to say THANK YOU to all those who have helped our family over the past several years and begin giving again. 

With these two plans in place, I feel ready to observe this holy time.

How will you focus during this Lenten season?

 

On Gratitude: Let Them Help You

Let people help you.

Make sure you ask for help.

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

In the minutes, hours, and days since my mother's death, I've had these words rolling around in my mind.

We're okay.

People are doing too much.

My husband feels ready to move back into our normal flow, into making our own dinners.  I'm not quite there yet, and so, I am grateful for the meal train that keeps moving, for the texts, messages, posts, cards, that keep coming my way.

My mom drilled into me that thank you cards make society function.

As of the day of her death, as far as I'd gotten with thank you cards for CHRISTMAS was...to buy the cards.

I had decided to give myself grace this year, to not write them. My life has begun, again, to overwhelm me, and I have to let some things go, bit by bit, if I'm to survive this with any bit of my sanity intact.

Part of me wonders if my mom is shaking her head at me, because thank you cards matter. The rest of me knows that she understands. 

Do what you have to.

Don't let the little stuff get to you.

And other choice language.

I need grace right now, and I have to give it to myself, too.

While I might find the process of writing post-funeral thank you cards cathartic, I have decided to write out my gratitude here, instead.

You wanted to help. Thank you for that.

You made me let you help. Thank you for that.

You helped in 1,000 different ways.

You texted me.

You called me.

You messaged me.

You posted on Facebook or Instagram.

You shared stories, condolences, good wishes, connections to your own life.

You reached out once, twice, thirty times to make sure that I am managing through this all okay.

You understand my relationship with my mom and know that the feelings of loss will come in waves.

You sent flowers, well-thought out and important flowers.

You shopped to help fund her memorial scholarship fund.

You prepared our home.

You flew across the country to remember her and support us.

You came to her viewing.

You snuck in the back of the funeral with your baby.

You cared for my children and entertained them while I dealt with the sorrow, the pain, the organizing.

You held my hand.

You walked beside me.

You made us food.

In each gesture, no matter the size, you loved me.

I will always remember your kindness and support.

Thank you. 

Love Yourself (31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge - Days 1 & 2)

Do you need a way to respect and fulfill yourself during this gray season? Join me in the 31-Day Self-Love Writing Challenge.  At first I only posted in the Facebook group, but I decided that I want to hold myself accountable, share my writing, and also encourage you to join along with me - feel free to share your posts with me in the comments!

That said, please forgive the long post as I catch myself up here!

The first challenge?

Dear God,

I seek your guidance and support as I continue my journey to find my balance, my purpose, and my ability to focus on what matters most.

I pray that I may find the strength to say “No,” even when the offer seems really tempting.

I believe that I must walk away from the temptation of more money, knowing that always comes with an additional price.

I pray that I may grant myself grace when I make an error and allow myself the opportunity to start fresh each day.

I pray that I may be patient with myself, my husband, and my children..

I pray that I may learn to let go and not see harm in what others may see or do or take offense where none is intended.

I pray for the ability to focus on one task at a time and not get distracted or tempted by other opportunities or tasks.

I pray for the strength to put myself first when needed.

In all of these things, I seek you first and ask for your guidance, strength, support, and grace.

In your name, I pray.

Amen.

This morning, as I drove to work, with my kids content in the backseat (my son had requested that we listen to the radio instead of sing), I let my mind wander. Somehow, I ended up reflecting on an old wound. I felt the irritation rise up in me for something petty, something that can’t change now.

And I realized, it’s like I want to be angry, like I don’t know how to exist without tension.

Sure, I have situations in my life that could cause irritation, but do I have to dwell on them? Do I need to create new ones?

I know what the most loving thing to do for myself isn’t (now, there’s a great sentence).  I have to learn how to exist happy.  What a novel concept!

I have lots of opportunities for new beginnings - I have every new day, at the most basic level. I have the various seasons in my life from the start and end of new school years, of school breaks, of my husband’s busiest work season. I’ve got my birthday. I’ve got New Years. I have Lent.  I have so many opportunities, and the best, most loving thing I can do for myself in any of those moments, is to grant myself grace.

When I kept thinking about why I must feed myself with irritation and anger, I realized that I must focus instead on nourishing myself.  That’s why this particular challenge spoke to me - I need to get back to living and not simply surviving in a crazy busy life.

So? What is the most loving thing I can do right now? I can nourish myself. Before saying yes, I need to ask myself if any new commitment will nourish me.  End of story.